As a child, I experienced the world as magical. I was orgasmic, and full of energy and passion for life. I felt my own sexual energy rush through my body, I was deeply connected to the spiritual world, and I loved to create and dream in a world full of fantasy creatures and endless possibilities.
In many ways I felt different, I knew there was something more. There was something indescribable that I had difficulty putting clearly into words, or sharing with others. I saw, felt, heard and experienced things that I felt others did not completely understand.
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From my innocent and magical childhood world, I started a deep and long journey into the underworld with the dark goddess. For a long time, I struggled with eating disorders, self-harm, sexual abuse, and self-hatred. In many ways I felt that I lived outside myself and observed myself from a bird’s eye view. I felt completely disconnected from my own body, my own will and from life in general. I had only had my period once, and I did not feel at all in touch with my feminine essence.
Still, I have always had a dream and a longing deep inside me. I woke up one morning with the word tantra in mind. I sat down and started to surf on google and to explore what this word really meant. This would open a whole new world and reality for me.
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I had my “sexual awakening” and began my kundalini awakening at a retreat in Sacred France in 2016. It felt like being back in the temple, like coming home. It was here I had longed to return, in a circle of sisters, atmosphere of divine presence, holiness, safety and acceptance. I felt naked on all levels, yet full of something else. I felt that I rediscovered a part of me which had been hidden, condemned, banned, and disgraced through years and countless incarnations.
It really feels like an awakening. As though all of the energy that began to suddenly flow through my body has made every single cell breathe, pulsate, vibrate in ecstasy and orgasmic intoxication, in a way I had never known before. As if until that day they had lain dormant, but with a deep longing and hope of being rediscovered and resurrected. I remembered several of my temple lives, not only did I see it visually, but I remembered and felt it from a place deep, deep inside. It awakened something old, highly sacred and mysterious, an atmosphere of something wordless something behind and beyond.
What I had longed for was partially unveiled. I began to remember the embodiment of eros, the essence of true eroticism, and the embodiment of true love. I saw how deep body wisdom emerged and radiated out from an inner journey. A deep realization and discovery of something I, then, did not fully understand, but felt a deep longing and desire to discover and reclaim. So deeply longed for, so missed, yet so familiar. I breathed it, I smelled it, I tasted it, I heard with new ears, felt with new skin. I gained a new point of reference and understanding of the mysterious, and the feminine mysteries.
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I began to realize that the understanding I had had of sexuality and sensuality existed as a withered landscape compared to what I now started to sense.
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I felt a new orgasmic energy flow through my body, not as an orgasmic explosion, but something deeper, thicker, softer, slower, and stronger. It pulled me deeper, further, higher, pulled me down, around, expanded me, opened me, everything in me vibrated, breathed, came alive, as if the cells were crying and celebrating at the same time. I fell and was raised at the same time. I felt enveloped in a mixture of joy, ecstasy, but also a form of sorrow and grief of the forgetfulness, the lies and denial I had lived in for so many years and incarnations.
Denial of the truth about who or what I really was.
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I cried continuously for weeks, out of love, of grief, out of deep cleansing and because I knew that life would never be the same again. Something was awakened inside me. Something I could not stop, something that drove me, that was stronger than the fear of the unknown. There was a new inner force in me, a force that later has driven me to completely new places in the world, to several retreats and trainings, new people, to dare to do things I could not even have dreamed of before, to take chances, risks, and to do the most absurd things.
I have also fought back, had resistance, fear, made choices contrary to what I knew was the truth deep inside, and I have screamed in tears. There have been deep initiations, love, sorrow, deep heart opening, loss, deep pain and also ecstasy. My way back to the body has been through really getting to know myself anew in the smallest of details, learning to love all parts of myself, accept and be patient. I dived deeply into my own sexuality, my own sexual being to explore, and to get to know her. I researched and explored how I could open my body. I was curious, what turned me on? what shut me off? How could I soften? How could I get both yoni and my heart to open, what mysteries were hidden inside my yoni my womb? How could I learn to honour and take up residence in my body again? How could I learn to love myself?
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My journey back has been through sacred sexuality, self-pleasure, tantra, deep feminine bodywork, embodiment practices, dance, sex magic, support from teachers and mentors, sharing with other sisters and brothers, as well as deep self-reflection, the embracing of my own dark and ugliness as well as the beautiful and bright sides. To really feel, to dare to break my own boundaries and limitations, letting go of who I thought or wished I was, to allow for something more authentic and unique to emerge. It has also been about daring to stand in my power, sharing my gifts and my passion, even though it has been challenging, scary and at times demanding and has cost friends, relationships, pride, money, and tears.
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What I share in my work and teachings is wisdom I have gained from walking my own path through the descent and ascent from the underworld. A journey through the desert and into the fire of transformation. The reclamation of my own body, sexuality and lifeforce.
